


Honour Thy Father

by Darkest_Day



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Careless romance, Careless use of money, Cigarettes, F/M, First Person, Loneliness, M/M, Ocean, Pining, Prison, Runaway, Teenagers, accidental murder, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 04:27:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5483336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkest_Day/pseuds/Darkest_Day
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes something just breaks. I don't even remember what happened, really, it's all a bit of a blur. I knew that he wasn't a good man but did he really deserve to die.. by my hands?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm working on something big! If anyone's ever played this game called Destiny that's pretty much what it's about. Merlin characters in the Destiny universe. Trying my hand at coming more down to earth instead of skimming. Trying to hit the lore as hard as I can and trying to increase paragraph sizes. It's fun, but a long process. I took a break because this kinda came to me in a dream. Kinda silly isn't it? Oh and if you haven't played Destiny go find it because it's really good. 
> 
> I've been living in Australia for the last yearish, I'm living near the ocean and I'm a bit obsessed. Whoop. 
> 
> I've also recently changed my username, I was andAshe, but I'm moving on from that to this one instead. It's a bit better, I think, I've used that kind for so long, it's time to move on. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy, I enjoyed writing this one. Definitely tried a different direction here with it, so I hope you like it? I like it.

Merlin was tall, pale, and skinny. The kind of post-goth kid, you know the type. You look at him and you just knew he used to be the eyeliner-wearing black glossy nail polish and a night out away from wearing lipstick goth kid. That was Merlin completely, but he'd grown out of that one quickly, thankfully, I don't know if I could have dealt with that one for too much longer. But he'd been rocking the whole post-goth kid look for a little bit before he went full goth. Messy black hair, clear blue eyes like the ocean, cheekbones that used to make him look a bit silly until he started filling out a bit. 

I used to be a bit jealous of him, actually, he was thin and lean with those bony hands that had a fierce grip, if any of our arm wrestles meant anything. Then here I was, compared to him, a beefier kinda guy. Not fat or anything, just built a bit thicker with a bit more muscle. I guess you could thank my dad for that, he never let really let me sit around and play games like the rest of the guys my age. I guess it's not too bad, I don't really seem like the guy who smoked dope behind the school with Merlin only to chase the joints with cigarettes. I remember those days pretty fondly, we spent so much time back there, almost got caught a few times but Merlin was quick on the body spray and I always had my books out. I was just Merlin's tutor and he was mine. Between us we were really good at every subject, though I was a bit stupid when it came to literature and Merlin got his numbers twisted. 

Merlin was a bit of a shithead, the kind with the raggedy tough guy attitude sometimes. I think he had a rough upbringing, mother was too sick and dying in the hospital so he was shipped around foster homes for most of it. She's okay now, by the way, just too weak to be a proper mother so Merlin goes and visits her in a home once a week. He dresses nicely too, combs that messy mop of hair and wears that nice button-down I always really liked. Put him in a tie and nice jeans and he'd clean up real well. 

The two of us are kind of polar opposites. But strikingly similar at the same time, seeing as we were both fucking dicks when it was just us. I guess I was the shittier one, putting on this posh little act to make people think that I wasn't the little shit I actually was. Merlin always got a good laugh out of it whenever my dad brought me around to one of his stupid parties. Suit-and-tie kind of affair, but after I'd meet up with Merlin and Elena, one of dad's business partner's daughters and the three of us would smoke up in the field, laughing about shit that didn't matter and watching the stars. He probably thought I was nailing her in that field, I never did, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. Sometimes even wondered if Merlin would join us, have us tag team her or something. She'd probably be down for it, the innocent ones were always the kinkiest. 

Merlin was my best friend, everyone knew it and even more tried to tell me not to hang out with him so much. He was a 'bad influence' and all that shit. He really wasn't though, Merlin was bright and a little bit beautiful and kind and warm with those dark corners that he didn't even share with me. I never really shared the deepest parts of myself either, so that's fair I guess. I never talked about how truly shitty my dad was, or how much he fucked me up until it was too late. Always been taught not to share things like pain or anguish, just have to suck it up and deal with it because that's what Pendragon's were supposed to do. Merlin had been taught the same, so maybe that's why we got along so well despite being so opposite. We both hid pain, we both masked it in different ways. Sometimes we would be lying together in the grass staring up at the blue sky through the branches of trees, silent, side by side, lost in thought and knowing it was something we shared. 

I miss those days, I ache for them. It's been so long now, I've almost forgotten how the sun tasted on those days, how the grass smelled, the ants crawling beside my head and the leaves that occasionally parted from the branches. I remembered wondering what Merlin was thinking, I remembered the warzone my house had turned into the night before, or the weekend before, I remember thinking just how badly I wanted it to all end, I remembered the desperation. I don't think I've ever truly wanted my life to end but I was desperate for something, anything. Just something to make it stop. This man who held me down in the name of 'parenting'. To this day, I still feel sick to my stomach at his memory. He ran this charity around the time, total scam, money pooled into various bank accounts all over the world, almost untraceable, he was a smart man. The charity was bullshit, it did nothing but pad his wallet. 

My father never wanted kids, much less one who was the reason his wife passed away. I never thought it was fair to blame the baby for something that couldn't be helped. I wish I could have known her, she was probably lovely. I heard she looked a lot like me. Or rather, i looked a lot like her. That's probably why my father is on the prowl the second I get home. 

But I've got Merlin, who comes over unannounced and sometimes announced and we sit in my room and neither of us talk, sometimes. I think Merlin knows I struggled, that's why he didn't say anything. I wish I'd known his struggles in return. Maybe if we had both opened up a bit, we could have helped each other. 

I guess, looking back on it, some of it seems silly. I had some freedom, I had money, I had pretty much everything I wanted I just had to deal with a father who controlled what I wore, how I acted, what I ate, where I went. So while I had freedom, I also knew he knew where I was at all times. There was a GPS in my phone, one that he'd put there the last time I broke the bloody screen, so it was no secret. If I strayed to a place where he didn't approve of, he would give me a call and ask where I was and what I was doing. He'd even gone so far as to drive out and find me. I'd learned the hard way to obey. So I just obeyed now, careful with it all, make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong. Make sure I wasn't going anywhere bad. 

It had taken a full year of fighting to get him to allow me to be friends with Merlin. It wasn't until my grades dropped from the constant fighting and the inability for Merlin and I to actually do a bit of studying in our dope sessions that he finally caved. My only victory. 

I wasn't a great man, I was a kid who was full of too many things I didn't know how to express. Model student, role model, played sports on school teams, girls all over me, casually dating whoever I felt like at the time and doing all of this with darkness inside me. Consuming me, eating me up, burning me from the inside out. A pressure cooker turned up to high, pain and rage and sadness and hurt, all building up inside until one day.. 

One day I couldn't take it anymore. 

One rainy day I snapped. I should have seen the signs. The calm before the storm. My father's reiteration of "you spend too much time with that Merlin boy, I think it's time for you to find a new group of friends." 

Truthfully, I don't even remember doing it. 

To this day, though, I can't be so sure I would have done it any differently. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Uther was sorting some documents, he'd summoned me only a few minutes ago. I had to be prompt, if I wasn't I'd get into even more shit. He had recently made a big break, convinced some celebrity to donate to his charity. Fuck, he was a shithead. His hands in everyone's pockets. I wouldn't be surprised if he was more influential than a world leader. 

While not quite that much, I did find out he had ties in more places than I could imagine. He was definitely an influential man who made his fortune off of dirty money. The world was a better place without him. 

"I think it's time for you to start thinking about settling down." He was saying, not even bothering to look at me. "I know some nice girls, what about Elena? She would be a perfect partnership. I'd like to see your wedding shortly after you graduate, the people don't like seeing a single man as the face of a company." 

"I'm not really feeling that." I said, casually, just yesterday he'd told me he didn't like Merlin. "I was hoping to do a road trip or something." I graduated in only a few months. That felt way too soon to get married. I was too young. 

I could see that vein in his forehead twitching as he took in a deep breath, his hands clenching on the table. "I'm sorry, son, but you don't really have a choice in this. Your path has been set, Elena's father and I have already spoken, the wedding is being prepared. I've already sent the invitations." 

"What?" My composure fractured, how could he? Panic was rising in my chest, I could feel myself slipping. I was too young, I was hoping I could _escape_ this once I graduated. 

"Do _not_ argue with me you stupid boy, with the money this merger will make us we will be able to afford to move away from this shithole of a town and overseas, did you know he has a monopoly on homes in Italy? You're welcome to fuck the maid but make sure you keep that a secret." 

Moving meant I wouldn't be able to see Merlin, and something about that cut deeper than I thought anything else could. I would be nothing and no one without Merlin. I wasn't sure I could live without him. 

"Besides, we need to get you away from that Emrys fellow, he's no good for you and we both know it." 

And that was it, my breaking point. The moment I realised that this wasn't set up just for me to help my father's career, this was to keep me away from my best friend. The other side of my coin, my opposite and my partner in crime. This had probably been set in motion long ago. 

Honestly, I don't remember what I said. I'd never yelled so much before in my life, I exploded and I told him exactly what I thought of him. Told him how Merlin had done nothing but help me, Merlin had saved me from him. That desperate feeling was in me again, thicker than I had ever known it to be before. It ached, it burned, it blinded me. My knuckles split on my father's jaw, it knocked a tooth loose. I'd crossed a line, I knew that but it was too late. I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe, he had one of those fake knife letter openers in his hand and I reached into the drawer of his desk. I knew it was in there, it was forbidden ever since I'd got ahold of it as a kid. For protection, he always said, just in case he was ever found out. 

I shot him in the fucking head. 

The gun was small, all three bullets expelled from the chamber, my ears ringing, blood on my lips, his body on the floor in front of me. I stumbled into the wall behind me, sucking in air, hard to breathe, horror filling me but also a disgusting sense of relief. 

I don't know how long I sat there, the gun cooling in my limp hands. I was a dead man, I was screwed, but that part didn't bother me. How fucked up was I that I wasn't panicking? How fucked up did I have to be to have to have done it anyway? Just how disturbed was I to feel _relieved_ that I would never have to hear his voice ever again? 

I didn't react when the door open, the blood splatter had long dried on my face. I didn't look up, but I did hear the footsteps stop and a gasp of breath. I closed my eyes, I would confess right away. I'd killed him, good and dead, the murder weapon was still in my hands. "Fucking fuck, Arthur." I heard Merlin whisper, he closed the door behind him and fell to his knees beside me. His hands were hot on my face, angling my face to look at his. I stared at him, into those blue ocean eyes that felt like freedom. "Are you okay?" He asked, I could feel the tremor of terror run through him, I suspect I looked deadened inside, much like the man on the other side of the room. 

I looked away, Merlin stood and went to my father's desk. "We're getting out of here." He said, rummaging, before going to the body and pulling Uther's wallet from his pocket. He pulled all the cash and even the change from it, stuffing it into his pocket before tucking it away neatly. "Come on, get up you asshole, we have to get out of here. Where's the safe? The key?" 

I didn't react, not quite processing what was happening. It wasn't worth it to try, this was the end of the line for me. 

That was until Merlin fucking slapped me. 

I snapped out of it and started to feel the fear as Merlin hauled me to my feet, grabbing my hand and pulling me from the room. Numbly, I led him to dad's room and to the photograph of my mother. I thought about taking it, but instead slid the frame open and shook the key out. 

Cash couldn't be traced, and Uther kept a lot of it. Merlin lined his pockets and then lined mine, muttering about how fucking useless I was. I felt pretty useless, still clutching the gun in my hands. I hadn't seen Merlin grab more bullets for it, I guess I didn't think he'd actually take it. I didn't think he had it in him, he was a bit of a hardass but I didn't think he'd help me get away with murder. 

"Start packing you useless animal." Merlin growled at me, "I swear I'll fucking hit you again we need to get out of here." He was tossing clothes at me, ones I didn't wear that often. Ones I'd bought myself that Uther hadn't approved of. Slowly, I started to move on my own, grabbing a backpack and stuffing the clothes into it. Socks, underwear, a few things, I didn't even care what it looked like, I was running from this and Merlin was going to be running with me. Right at my side, like he always was. 

We got into my car once Merlin had made sure I wasn't too out of my head, after he'd cleaned up the blood from my face and wrapped my knuckles. We drove to his house, which I actually hadn't seen before because he moved a lot. Calling it a shit hole was a compliment, and it hit me hard (harder than my actions in the last few hours had) that Merlin wasn't entirely okay at all. I could see the way he almost seemed to cradle where that stupid little gun was in his pocket as he walked. 

"Drive." He said. "We have until morning, we won't stop until then, towards the coast." We were no less than twenty hours away from the ocean, but I was okay with that. I pulled off into the night and we drove and drove and drove. We stopped for energy drinks and cigarettes and smoked them as we drove. Merlin seemed nervous, anxious, tapping his finger against his thigh. 

It was around three am, after thinking for the better part of the hour about all of this, that I finally asked. "Why are you so okay with running off with me? Why would you want to be a part of this?" 

Merlin's laugh was harsher than I expected, much less the tears it sounded like he was choking back. "I wish I had your guts." He said, breath shuddering in a half hysterical exhale of breath that might have been another laugh. He was lighting a cigarette with shaking hands. "This fucking bitch I'm living with, you know, the foster care system is shit. So fucking shit, she likes to threaten me with beer bottles, she's got me a few times with them. Fucking druggie, too, but as soon as the social worker comes around which is never the house is all pristine and she's this model citizen that just happens to live in a well functioning dump. Always has some fucking boyfriend over, abusive pieces of shit they are. They fuck around with her and bruise her up then when he leaves she's gotta take that out on me." I could see the tears on his cheeks as he spoke, hands shaking. "I'd wring her neck if I could." 

So I pulled over and did something I never really did before and put an arm around him, let the cigarette burn away and let him let go of his walls. It was hard in the car, the centre console between us and the steering wheel digging into my side. "I'm glad it wasn't you." I said, softly. "I'm fucked, Merlin, we can run but we're going to get caught eventually." And I guess I was surprised about his much that hurt to say. "I'll make sure you get to stay out of this, I'll tell them that I threatened you, I don't want you to fuck up your life too." It burnt in my chest, hot and painful, but I couldn't let go. I didn't have that luxury. 

"No, we'll get away." Merlin said, "I'm not letting you go down without me." I smiled, because that wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to let Merlin get burned for my actions. I was a murderer, somehow it didn't feel real. And I don't think that feeling ever really did go away. I inhaled, Merlin pulled away. Sometimes I forgot that he was younger than me, by a year but he had skipped one when he was younger, we were in the same grade. He had been a smart kid, and he was still smart. Brilliant, even. 

We kept driving, and once the high from the energy drinks ran out we pulled off the road and Merlin checked into a little motel. Once inside, we turned on the news and waited, watched, even though I was exhausted I couldn't sleep. And when the report finally came on, about a murder in the Pendragon estate and his son missing, I felt that sense of dread. Merlin was sleeping, I sat there watching as they reported preliminary findings. No suspects yet, money stolen, son missing or kidnapped. But then, they did a segment about him, saying that there was some illegal business going on that they were still investigating, but it didn't look good. 

My heart was racing, because so far I wasn't a suspect, I was safe for the time being. I felt guilty over the small surge of joy I felt at my father's awful crimes. I pulled the shades over the windows, left the tv on on a low volume, then fell asleep beside Merlin in the comfortable bed. 

When we woke up, more of Uther's bad deeds were being discovered, even things I didn't know about. It seemed that, for now, that's all that the news cared about. Shocked that what they had thought was a good and influential man was actually managing illegal businesses. It put a real wrench in the case of his murder while they uncovered the blood Uther had on his own hands. It was the greatest news we could have hoped for. I couldn't help but feel excited even though the manhunt would start shortly. 

If I turned myself in now, I could probably get a shorter sentence. I was still technically underage, I might be able to get away with it. But Merlin was sitting there looking, to be honest, happier than I'd seen him in awhile. "I'm starving, there was a corner store just down the street, I'll go get something." He said, at some point he had emptied my dad's money out onto the little coffee table, grabbed a twenty, and happily left the room. I didn't need to be told to stay here, I didn't think it would be worth getting seen. 

I emptied my pockets too and began counting. There were a couple thousand dollars we had here, more than enough to keep us going. Not to mention an account that was set to automatically open up to me when I turned nineteen in only a few months. Maybe we could do this, all I'd have to do would be to lay low for awhile. Change my name, maybe, start wearing coloured contacts or something. Hell, maybe even break my nose to give it a different shape. 

I knew it wouldn't work, but if Merlin was running too then at the very least, when I got caught I could make sure Merlin would be okay. When he got back the money was organised into little piles on the table. Merlin carried a plastic bag with little containers of chicken wings, a box with a few slices of pizza and more cigarettes. I happily dug into it, shocked at how hungry I actually was. I'd forgotten to eat for so long, it started to make me feel human again. I wondered how long it would take until I was hit with the reality of what I had done. 

We left again as the sun started to set. We had paid for another night but thought it was best to just leave. Merlin found the overnight receptionist and checked out early, apologising for the rush but his girlfriend just went into labour and he desperately needed to get home so he could be with her. I was amazed at Merlin's ability to lie, so flawlessly, so convincingly. I was never very good at lying. 

We drove, and drove, and drove. Stopping for coffee a few times along the way with me wishing I could be back home in bed. Like a trusty companion, though, Merlin refused to sleep. He stayed awake, with me, at times staring at me with this tired look on his face. If there was anyone I could have done this with, it was Merlin. The sun was rising so we pulled over and walked into the middle of a field, smoked the last of our stash and lost ourselves in the grass and haze of cigarettes. Lying side by side, close together for warmth. Merlin's soft laughter in my ears, something felt at peace here. There was danger in all corners, there was the end of my life as I knew it coming soon, but until that moment; Merlin and I had this. 

Instead of continuing on the highway, we kept on the little road. It was mostly farmland out here, the mountains were shrinking down into fields and trees. So we drove until the road turned to dirt and it started to get a bit more hilly. We were exhausted, I scratched the paint on my car tucking it into the trees and the two of us climbed into the back seat, laughing softly but too exhausted to find a position where we weren't pressed together. I never liked sleeping in the front seat, neither did Merlin. We had only done this once before, my back pressed against the seat with Merlin in front of me, arm draped over him, his back against my chest. 

We fell asleep quickly, too tired to squirm or roll around, dead tired from all the driving. It wasn't the best sleep, but I woke up feeling comfortable, a bit too warm, sore as shit but Merlin was tucked in close. He made a soft noise in his sleep, shuffling slightly before settling once more. Looking back on it, years later, that moment on the run where we fell asleep in the back seat together for the second time was probably the moment I fell for him. I mean, it's hard to go trough so much with someone without loving them at least in some small way. What I felt for Merlin had never been small, it had always just been right. In a heartbeat, I would cover up a murder for him if our positions had been reversed. 

The next time I woke up it was hot, the open windows gave little relief. Merlin's fingertips were tracing the back of my hand lightly. I was pretty confident in that moment that he felt the same for me that I did for him. I hugged him close, and we stayed there for a long time in silence before he finally sat up with a grunt. "Fuck me, that hurts." He groaned, clambering to the door and opening it, stepping out onto the dusty ground. I followed, arching my back to try to ease the ache in it. We stood, stretching, hungry, for a few minutes before we were back to scratching up my car as we left. I didn't know where I was going, off route a little bit probably, but we just needed to keep moving, that's all. 

We turned on the news as soon as we got service, listening intently for the report. And it didn't take long before Uther Pendragon was brought up now. They were still reeling by the revelations. And as they listed off his corruption, I heard Merlin let out a breath. "He was better off dead." 

I agreed, but I didn't say anything. Only stopping at some shit fast food place for Merlin to run in and get us something. My phone said we were only a few hours out of the ocean, which is where I wanted to go. Once we were there I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Keep hiding? We would have to get jobs, this money wouldn't last forever. How were we supposed to stay hidden? It felt like everyone who went by was looking at me like they knew what I'd done. How could anyone live like this? 

I watched Merlin sadly as he came back to the car. I knew how much he wanted to keep running, how unhappy he was, he hadn't shown me but I'd noticed those bruises on his arms, a few misplaced scars on his pale skin. They looked like battle scars; I wished I had known about them sooner. 

For the time being, I was safe. There was no man hunt out for me yet but it was only a matter of time before there was. Once Uther's deception and greed was found out I would be next. Like father, like son, I was doomed. Hopefully they would take pity on me, I was still just a kid. Just some stupid kid without a clue what I was doing with the blood of his father on my hands. 

I was so utterly fucked. 

I silently mourned for my lack of future as we ate. It tasted bland despite always having enjoyed it before. Merlin seemed to notice, elbowed me in the ribs and gave me one of his little eye-crinkling smiles. I couldn't help but smile back, a little weak, but I didn't need to explain why because he understood. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

It took them three weeks to finally start the manhunt for me. Uther's deception spread so deep, uncovering it was as delicate and as difficult as uncovering an anthill. I'd seen a video where someone poured metal in it, and the excavation had been long and difficult. That's kinda like what my father was, the one pouring his ties throughout society in intricate and difficult ways. The money Merlin had taken wasn't even noticed missing, that's how much he had. Hidden across accounts locked overseas, countless charities a complete setup to clean dirty money. 

We listened to it unfold, I watched my home get locked down and fenced off as a crime scene. I watched, heartbroken, as they finally began to link the clues to me. I hadn't even been reported missing, at first they'd thought I was an accomplice who had just run to cover my ass until they began to put together my thumbprint on the door, his broken jaw, my blood from cut knuckles on his face. I was more distressed about me being a wanted man than I was about taking another human life. I was two weeks away from being a legal adult, they didn't care enough to hide my name or face for being underage. 

I exhaled, we were in a small town. The ocean cascading across the shoreline, the salty air, the quiet peace. It was easier for me to be spotted in a small town, so we decided to spend one last night. Our time was ticking, we would have to ditch the car soon. I coloured my hair from the dirty blonde to hazelnut. It helped. Bought contacts that changed my eye colour from blue to brown. Just another face lost in the crowd. We even got some paint and changed the L on the license plate to a U, it would hold so long as we didn't get pulled over. 

We got pulled over, we were fucked. 

I was fucked. I was going to make damn sure that Merlin would get out of this. He wasn't going down with me. 

We sat at the beach, watching the orange and red sun with our toes in the cool sand. I think we both knew how quickly our time was running out, soon we would have to get back into it. I just needed to survive until I was nineteen, then I'd make one final withdrawal, I'd give it to him and he would be free. He would never have to go back. The worst part was the yearning in my chest, knowing that it wouldn't be wise to do something so stupid as to hold his hand or something like that. I was a criminal, he was innocent, we were going to be apart soon. 

But we sat together on the beach, smoking cigarettes and soaking in the last of the day as the sun disappeared in the distance. I ached, I yearned, I hurt. We were leaving for the city tomorrow, get ourselves lost in the crowd, then move on. Never stop. 

It started to get colder, I shuffled closer to him so we sat arm to arm. Leaning into each other, staring into the distance, I contemplated jumping into the water and swimming forwards until I couldn't go any further. But drowning would be a pretty bad way to go. There was so much I wanted to tell him, so much I wanted to say. Final thoughts and last chances with no time left to share it all. I wanted so much, too much. I was scared. 

We walked back to the car, the wind in our hair, silence between us. In fact, that night we really didn't say much to each other at all. We turned on the television and searched the news for anything that might betray where we were. I don't think I slept that night, caught in a bit of a daze. Too tense to sleep, too tired to be awake. 

We sank into silence, the reality of what we had done settling in on us. Merlin knew nothing of my plan, expecting to go down with me. So my worries were his worries, it was better he didn't know or he would try to stop me. I couldn't let that happen. Sometimes when I drove he would place his palm over my hand if it wasn't on the wheel. Quietly, comfortingly, the radio wavering in between static and a station on the hunt for murderer Arthur Pendragon. 

The funniest thing happened once we got to the city. Merlin was on his phone when he walked over to me, almost laughing, because there was actually a support group online for me. #freeArthur, it was called. Uther was a bad man and I'd taken him out, as far as they were concerned, I was a hero. I guess that brightened us, it made me a little more willing to smile sometimes and our conversation returned. Trash talking each other and keeping mostly to our cheap hotel rooms. I'd fucked up but at least I wasn't entirely hated. Maybe they'd go easy on me. 

We left the city two weeks after we'd arrived. They'd started to recognise Merlin, who went out to pick up our meals. It wasn't really a good thing so we had to move. We'd ditch the car soon. 

The police were closing in on me. Pinpointing my location, while the plates on my car were enough to fool there was some suspicion about my car in general, so we found ourselves a cliff overlooking the ocean and pushed the fucking thing into it. Not a good move, they'd find the wreckage but at least they would be so focused on seeing if we'd gone down with it to keep chasing us. It bought us some time. 

We stood on that cliff, back at the ocean, overlooking the waves. It was a powerful feeling, driving the car up there and putting it in neutral, then the two of us getting behind it and putting all our strength into it. We watched it crash, watched it get swallowed by the ocean, then Merlin took my hand and we got the fuck out of there before someone heard it and came to investigate. We made it on foot for a long time, into a village where we hopped onto a train, following it along the water and choosing a place at random to stay for the night. It was risky to take public transportation, but no one seemed to recognise me. I didn't draw attention to myself. 

We were right though, because when they found the car they spent nearly a week pulling the remains out and searching for my body. One news station reported I was dead, the search was over, and all others jumped in on it before they ruled that possibility out. 

We spent my birthday in another small ocean town, eating fresh fish and chips on a bench overlooking the water. I loved the ocean too much, it was stupid, but maybe I imagined it would sweep me away forever. That night I disappeared to one of those overnight ATM's, pulled out as much as it would let me and returned to Merlin. I did this for the next few nights, pulled a couple thousand dollars after what Merlin had taken. It was a risk, and it was kind of my downfall. 

But I guess I was tired, now, we'd been on the run for so long. I was weary, I was exhausted. There wasn't much for it, our little adventure was nearly over, we'd run its course. I had made peace with my fate, I let myself be seen by someone, tried my best to loosen my cool and collected attitude, let her glimpse the hotel card when I paid, she'd call it in and that would be it. 

It worked, because we saw the flashing blue and red lights outside the window long before they were banging on the door, threatening violence. I was prepared, I had emptied the gun of bullets and prepared everything. Merlin began to panic so I grabbed him, calmed him, handed him the money in an envelope. It was almost everything we had. "Take it." I said, voice soft, Merlin was trembling. I was calm. 

"No, Arthur, it won't matter when--" 

"That's not what's happening." I said, "you're going to get out of this, you're not going to be involved." I guess I could feel the tremor just under the surface of my skin, the stupid girlish tears threatening to spill, "I'm going to put this gun to your head and they're going to think that I took you by force." Despite the noise, the shouting from outside, the red and blue illuminating the hollows of my friends cheeks, everything felt quiet. The calm before the storm. Merlin's eyes were wide, but I didn't see shock in them. I saw acceptance and pain, streaks down his cheeks, his hands fisted into my shirt. 

"Open up!" 

A breath. "I have a hostage!" I shouted, suddenly struggling to keep my voice steady. "Stay away from the door!" 

"Get out of here, tell them I forced you to stay with me, don't you fucking dare let them take you." My voice cracked, my hands tightened on his arms. Merlin stuffed the money into his pocket, breathing, my composure was breaking too. We were falling apart. I don't even think scared was enough to cover it, but I've never been a writer, I didn't know the words to use. The curtains were drawn but I could see the laser sight of a gun reflected against it. I pulled us away from the window, "it's not loaded." I whispered as I grabbed the gun that had ended my father's life. I went to press it into the soft patch of skin under his jaw but couldn't do it, it felt too close to what I'd done. I held him by the back of his neck, fingers in his hair, his lips were wet against mine. I could taste his desperation, his fear, we broke apart as the wood of the door splintered from the bullet, a warning shot, "I have a hostage!" I shouted, desperate, clinging to Merlin like he was the only thing keeping me tethered to this earth. 

I wasn't ready, but I would never be ready. I just had to do it, it was time. I wiped my cheeks and kissed him again for the last time before pressing the gun against his throat, standing behind him with my arm around his chest. He was my human shield, he was a decoy so he wouldn't have any blame, he was to make sure I didn't get killed. I think the only reason I wanted that was to make sure that I didn't die in front of him. I couldn't let that happen. 

They'd splintered the lock of the door, it split and opened with two good kicks, I breathed a kiss to behind his ear and stepped out into the evening air. Police cars everywhere, officers pointing guns at me, Merlin pretending to struggle. I walked ahead, they didn't know that it was empty. "Lower your weapons!" I shouted. I couldn't dare threaten Merlin's life but they knew my intent anyway. They did, slowly, "drop them!" My voice was hoarse, it was strange to have power over armed men. The fear kept me going. The guns clattered to the ground, I walked up to one of them. One who looked young, one who looked scared. "Get your cuffs out." I said, voice soft. "I'll let him go, I'll come quietly." 

The cop pulled out the handcuffs, his hands shook, and I offered him my wrist. When it was secure, I let go of Merlin and dropped the gun, turned away from him and offered my other wrist behind my back. They weren't gentle, but they weren't that rough either. I didn't protest, I went quietly. My last glimpse of Merlin was an officer tossing a blanket around his shoulders, trying to comfort him. 

I was honest about everything but Merlin's involvement. I spun that a bit differently, that he was my friend and he came over and I panicked and made him come with me. I'd kept him against my will, though I didn't care if they didn't believe me, I just didn't want him involved. I did share the truth eventually, that Merlin had come along willingly and I wanted nothing more than for him to be completely free of any involvement. Surprisingly, they agreed. I talked with a lot of lawyers, even spoke with the judge a few times. I guess I got lucky, because Uther's death had affected him positively. I wasn't even going to be charged for murder, but manslaughter, which had a lighter sentence. 

And in the end, my sentence was ten years in prison. 

I only served seven. 

The last time I saw Merlin was the day before they took me away. All the officers were kind to me, they bent a few rules for me. They'd kept me in a nicer room, single cell, and when they let Merlin in for the night they tied a cloth bag over the camera to give us privacy. We used that time to talk. I told him not to wait for me, never to wait for me because I was going to be put away for a long time, it was too long. He protested like the stubborn asshole he was but I made him promise that he wouldn't wait for me. It hurt to know he'd probably go off and find a partner and find his happily ever after and I would have no part in it. He'd been my best friend for so many years, and now I was losing him. 

We didn't sleep together that night, at least not in the fucking kind of way. This wasn't a movie, this wasn't leading up to some happy ending. I didn't believe in happy endings anymore, haven't for a long time. But I know Merlin would be happy, and that was enough; as stupid and sappy as that sounded. 

Neither of us were ready to say goodbye, but my arrest hadn't been so bad. Maybe this would be the same. I insisted he didn't visit me, there was no point. I wanted him to move on. I wanted him to forget about me. After ten years I didn't think that we would even still be the same people. 

I didn't tell him I loved him or anything stupid like that, even if it was probably true. That would be too sappy for me, and I wanted him to move on, not get hung up on this - on me. I wasn't worth it, I never was. But we did make out like teenagers, which was pretty nice. I got to walk away with that, if nothing else. 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

It's been a long time, now. Seven years, seven months, thirteen days. It's been lonely, most of the time. I kind of sank into a routine and didn't really stray from it. Unhappy, I guess, mourning what I might have had. I thought about Merlin a lot, first chance I got when I was released I looked him up. Shouldn't have been surprised to see he was with someone, looks like they'd been together for a long time. Some petite little thing named Freya. It was what I wanted, for Merlin to be happy and forget about me. I guess a small part of me wanted him to have waited all these years anyway. 

There was nothing more to it. Things had changed a bit while I'd been gone but they set me up with a crummy little apartment and a job stocking shelves overnight. 

I wasn't happy, but I was content. I guess I didn't realise just how much all of this had fucked me over. Perhaps I should have asked to stay longer. I'd missed out on the end of my teenage years, never ended up graduating and missed most of my twenties. Too old to get stupid drunk with friends and too young to have no relationships. But loneliness and I were good friends. Merlin was happy, it's all I had wanted. 

All this talk of wanting him to move on but I'd never done the same myself. I'd let myself hold out that tiny bit of hope that he would wait too. I was an idiot. 

It wasn't very easy, but I checked that bank account and found it intact and used it to buy a car. I drove it for hours until I hit the ocean, then kept driving until I found the little city where Merlin and I had sat on the beach in silence. Stayed in a hotel, rented out an apartment, got a job gutting fish for the chip places that dotted the main stretch. Found a few friends who didn't give a shit about my criminal record, invited me out onto their boats when they went fishing. We'd drink beers and talk shit, I grew a beard but it wasn't nearly as good as Leon's. He had kind eyes, the others were great too. Lance and his pretty little wife named Gwen owned the fleet of boats, he'd bring her flowers once a month while she managed numbers. Leon managed us, Elyan was Gwen's brother and was our go-to whenever we had a problem. Percy was an ex personal trainer and Gwaine didn't talk about his past much. I found out later he'd somehow managed to run into Elena, they'd dated for a few years and when he proposed and she said yes he panicked and ran off. Said he always regretted it, I told him he was an idiot because I knew her and she was the loveliest girl. 

They did get back together, eventually, she made him work his ass off for it but their wedding was beautiful. I was thirty by then, I felt like I'd wasted so much time but at least I remembered how it was to be happy again even if I could never truly scrub the salt and fish smell from my hands. 

Sometimes, when the sunset was bright red I would look up Merlin again, see how he was doing, watch the little tastes of his life he shared. I did notice that the girl in the picture wasn't someone he was with, but as a memorial to someone who was gone. It had brought me a spark of hope, but I'd put it out. Merlin was gone, that part of my life was over. 

Until suddenly it wasn't, because Merlin and Elena reconnected one day quite randomly and when I went over to their place for a few beers he was sitting in the kitchen with her. Pretty sure my heart stopped at the sight of him, he had rounded out a bit more, dropped that post-goth look and adopted a more elegant style, his hair still a mess and his jaw more defined, stubble on his chin. He looked like an artist or a poet, still long and lean and thin. My heart was stuttering. 

When Merlin saw me, I didn't know what was supposed to happen, but his eyes widened and he went towards me, standing there with that amazement in his eyes. Then he punched me square in the face. 

I hit the ground pretty hard, my old bones couldn't quite bounce back like they used to. But Merlin was falling down on top of me, tucking his arms around my neck and holding me tightly. Fuck I missed him, but the moment was lost when Gwaine kicked me in the ribs. There was all this tension between us for the whole night, yearning to talk. Only brushing it off that we used to be good friends. Thankfully, Elena kept her mouth shut about our adventures when we'd been back in high school. More than ten goddamned years ago. 

We left their house early and walked down to the beach, taking off our shoes and walking bare feet across the sand. These waters were my home now, I wasn't even sure how it had happened. We held hands, and I still thought it was a bit stupid to do that as a goddamned adult but we didn't let go even when our hands got sweaty. "I wanted to wait for you." He said, smiling into the breeze. "I knew you wanted me to anyway, I thought about it. I did for a long time too, until I met Freya. Realised the money you gave me shouldn't just be pissed away so I used it to buy a coffee shop and we started running it. She died a few years ago, we were talking about kids. I sold the shop last month, figured out I didn't really like city life that much anyway. I missed the ocean, I guess I missed you too. I didn't think I'd see you here, I had heard you were let out and I wanted to go find you. I was stupid but I thought maybe I should let you come to me, but you never did. I hated you for a bit, but now that we're here.." He trailed off, eyes lost in thought over the ocean. "I was thinking of staying down here, I think I was happiest when I was with you." 

"We were just kids." I replied, but his words felt a little bit like home. I guess we weren't too old for romance. Lance still brought Gwen flowers once a month without fail, even though he was older than me by two years. "We were stupid, you really want to just stay here based off of that?" 

"Yeah." Then he grinned. "Why wouldn't I? I mean, I was the one to convince you to go on the run in the first place, you really think I'd have changed?" 

I could go on, but I won't. These stories don't really end because I'll die eventually, so will he, and that'll be at the end of it. So I'll leave that part for now, and just leave it as us standing on the beach together, pretending that the last twelve years hadn't happened. We were still young and stupid teenagers sharing cigarettes and pretending we were unstoppable. 

 


End file.
